When I was a college kid (Part 3)

When we meet failure, we have to look from ourselves to find where we went wrong. But before we can think rationally, the moment we receive our results we will be overwhelmed by emotions. If it is a pass, we will be overjoyed and if it is a fail, frustration and negativity shall loom. We have to get over that emotion first before we can think straight and rationally.

Confiding in someone allows us to pour out our feelings. Frustration, anger, sadness and all the negative emotions have to manifest first before calmness can ever appear. Once we have accepted the result then only can we correct our mistakes. We need a clear mind to think unbiasly.

ACCA’s toughest test is not the exam questions but the test of accepting failure sometimes and picking up yourself again in the shortest possible time and telling yourself you are okay and then, continue your journey again. This time choose a different path.

A quote from Albert Einstein:

‘Insanity is repeating the same mistakes and expecting different results’.

Sometimes, students thought I would be annoyed if they choose another lecturer and they avoided me. I know most lecturers have small heart but not me. If I can’t help you to pass, I will definitely encourage you to choose another lecturer. Every lecturer has his or her own strength and perhaps that strength is the weakness that you are trying to overcome. Student always tell me that my strength is in consolidation and exam technique.

When you wanted to know more about a particular topic, you won’t buy books written by only one author. If fact your shelf would be filled with books from many different authors. So, why limit yourself to only one particular lecturer. Different lecturers would give you different insights. What matters most is that you PASS.

You need all the help you can get and rest assured that I will give you my full support. Just that at times I am constrained by the system. At one hand I wanted to offer help for free and at the same time I also have paying students. Still I need to earn a living and I hope that one day I could offer my lectures for free but then again this would affect the livelihood of other lecturers and colleges. You just can’t please everybody.

I gave it very deep thought and I need to differentiate paying from non-paying students and that is why I have created two groups in Facebook i.e. F7Dec2013 and P2Dec2013 groups. I will post my slides and answer any questions posted where the public can view. However, I may have to encrypt some video files uploaded to be viewed exclusively only by paying students.

Some students told me that I have focussed too much on calculation and I have accepted my mistake and that is why I have changed my style to focus on explaining the accounting standards and unfortunately this has taken up the time to do more past year questions. However, I found that most students like it better when the standards are explained. In fact, most of the explanation could be found in study texts. You just can’t have the best of everything. There is always a trade-off.

This time round I have added Powerpoint slides in my lecture and gave the slides hand-out to students before the class to reduce note taking. I have centred my lecture on explaining the reasoning behind the accounting standards rather than focusing purely on doing questions in class. Where possible I would squeeze in a question or two. I was hoping to do more videos on past year questions but it is really taking a long time and effort. Sometimes, I wonder if students have time to view all the videos.

Result day
It was result day yesterday and my mood is very difficult to explain. It is complicated. I was on my smartphone almost the entire day. When I hear passes, I share their joy and when I hear failure, I share their sadness.

I remembered back to the time I failed my exam. During my time, I have to retake all 3 papers including the ones I already pass. It was very disappointing when you can’t get to keep the paper that you pass. That is why most students gave up ACCA in the end. I have a friend who sat for 3 sittings and pass a different paper each sitting but ended up with not a single pass. He was born at the wrong generation; he would already be an ACCA if he sat for the papers now.

Failing exam hurts very much that nothing can heal that feeling. The worst part is when your friends ask you for your result. Sometimes, you just wish they won’t ask as you don’t even want to talk about it, not least being reminded about it. That is why I won’t ask my students and if there is good news, they will definitely tell me.

Every lecturer will feel guilty when their students didn’t do well. We just wish that there is something we can do to help. Every bad news is like a needle piercing through my heart, even when the student passes at the subsequent sitting the scar is always there. I always hope that the pass could come at the first attempt.

When I receive the bad news on my result, I felt that I just wanted to be alone and go away to another universe if possible, far away from any living soul. Let me live there forever, not having to face any single person any longer. It took me a while to recover and realise that leaving this world would do me no good. Some more it is impossible. Then, the most I could do is to lock myself up in my room and never ever to come out.

I realised that we all have felt that kind of feeling before, at some point in our life. I just couldn’t hold myself together because ACCA means a lot to me, it is my life, my pride and it is what I live for. It is a passport for poor people like me to have a better life. I bet my life for this, I quit my job, I used up my savings and I am devastated. Tears won’t do me any good because it can’t change my result. I was so close and yet so far. It was the final 3 papers.

The days passed and my mood didn’t get any better. It was difficult to get over that very strong emotion that I am a loser, I am good at nothing. I wanted to erase all this from my memory and it was very torturing. I woke up each day facing the same emotion day after day. The emotion gets worse each day.

Finally, I looked into the mirror. I was in such an agony situation. What have become of me?

Then, the defining moment came, I feel that emotion deep in my heart, I feel the pain, so unbearable, how much it hurts me, how much suffering I have endured and I tell myself, yes I told myself, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! This is the LAST TIME I am going to have this feeling. I ACCEPT the result but this is not the end. I still BELIEVE I am BETTER and VERY MUCH BETTER than what they mark me as. I am going to show them,

I AM ACCA material.”

I pulled myself together. I have a choice and I choose to fight rather than give up. This is only a temporary setback and I will come back again. And I will come back stronger. I ask myself what I did wrong. I looked back to my books and I can’t see my mistakes. I searched everywhere but I couldn’t find it. I didn’t sit for exam the next sitting.

I continue my lecturing and put aside my ACCA dream. I went on to fulfil my students’ dreams. I was lecturing LCCI Business Statistics. It was almost a year I kept this within my heart. Every once in a while, it (ACCA dream) felt like wanting to explode out of my heart. But I have to contain it until a suitable time comes.

The feeling is like you have an unfinished business waiting for you. Every day the feeling grows and you just can’t hide it. Just can’t get rid of it. It is like ACCA keep on calling you. Do you know before my time, ACCA was actually known as CACA. Many people made a joke of it saying it stands for ‘Come Again, Come Again’. Perhaps, that is why it was renamed ACCA later.

Anyway, looking back it was kind of fated that I took a break from ACCA. Sometimes, we need to come out of the ‘problem’ in order to see things clearly. It was like suddenly the burden was lifted.

When you are far apart from what you used to pursue, you see yourself clearer, you see what matters most to you, only then, you know what you wanted most of all. When two lovers are far apart, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Then only you know ACCA and you are made for each other. ACCA completes you.

Tell this to your friends who have just pass ACCA. They will tell you that all those sufferings, torture, tears, frustrations are all worth it because they just can’t explain to you the feeling that they are having now once they pass. It is like when something hurts the deepest, that something also brings the greatest joy you have ever experienced. I jumped up in the air when I receive my final results later. Well, I will save that for my next story.

If you have pass ACCA, Well done, my comrades!
ACCA is an exclusive club that only admits members not by invitation but by really earning it. That is why employers respect us.

If you are still on your way, don’t give up. It shall be your turn soon. If you are tired, it is okay to take a break. I took mine and I still complete the race, in fact, my break reinforces my determination.